


Never Gonna Happen

by TOAOKilgrave



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dennis is really not at all gay for Mac, Gen, I mean you people won't mind that right? Mixes things up I think, I'm angsting irl watch that translate in this fic, In fact Dennis isn't gay at all why don't people get this, Mac is super gay for Dennis, This is anti-Mac/Dennis, Totally a love/hate relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:44:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19241314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TOAOKilgrave/pseuds/TOAOKilgrave
Summary: “Guess what, pal? You - you are ugly. And it doesn’t matter how much you work out. It will never change that fact. You’ve objectified tons of men, including me. You know, you’ve got to stop kissing me, man. I don’t want it. I don’t want you touching me at all. Okay? It’s never gonna happen.”This fic starts directly after S13E04.After one rather eventful sexual harassment seminar, and tired of Mac's attempts to get Dennis to be at all interested in him, Dennis finally makes his move against Mac once and for all, hoping to shut down all romantic interest, but Mac isn't taking that idea too well. AKA Mac is super gay for Dennis, but Dennis isn't gay at all. Hijinks ensue though and maybe a couple of viewpoints are changed along the way...





	Never Gonna Happen

7:15 PM

On a Saturday

Philadelphia, PA

This night more than ever, Dennis only wanted some time to himself. Unfortunately, he lived with the one person who would never let him have it. Finally, his master plan had been executed perfectly, he had given his friends the message of being more careful when it came to sexual harassment, and he’d finally told Mac something he’d longed to tell him: “It’s never gonna happen.”

“Never gonna happen.” Those words rang through Mac’s mind and refused to stop. Surely, there had been a misunderstanding? This is what Mac had hoped he’d never hear, and maybe, he figured, now might be the right time to finally confront him about it.

“Hey, Dennis.”

The time was now, it would seem. Dennis, who was just about to enter his room (something that Mac knew meant that if he had not acted when he did, he would miss his chance for quite some time), stopped and paused for a few seconds before turning around. Mac wasn’t making eye contact with him, a sign of nervousness that Dennis seemed to find in Mac almost all the time when he spoke to him.

“What the hell do you want?” Dennis asked with a hint of frustration. If Mac was looking at his face, he would’ve seen that Dennis was not at all in the mood for a serious conversation, but he didn’t, and took the risk knowing it may not end well for him.

“I was thinking about what you said earlier,” Mac continued to glance at the floor, “about it never happening between us, and I just wanna know if you really meant it.”

“Why would I not mean it?” There it was, the sign of Dennis’ anger rising, something he didn’t even need to look up to see. Mac feared what may come of him feeling this way. “How could you never understand that I’ve seen all your obvious attempts on me all this time? You’re so goddamn oblivious that you couldn’t even notice that I am not, and never have been gay!”

Mac paused for a moment, and stuttered. “Dennis, I-”

“Look at me!” Dennis shouted. One of the many things that pissed him off was that Mac just couldn’t look him in the eyes in a conversation. He slammed his fist against the door of his room with a thud loud enough to make Mac jump for the second time. The pain seared through his hand, but Dennis was too angry to care, and when Mac finally looked up he could see in his eyes alone that he had crossed a line.

Dennis took a deep breath and calmed himself down in a near instant, something Mac had always been in awe of. But he could still see that the rage hadn’t entirely gone yet, and Dennis still had more to say. “That creepy sex doll you had made of me,” he continued, “what did you do with it?”

Mac started getting defensive. “I got rid of it, like you told me to.”

“Bullshit!” Dennis shouted again, causing Mac to jump for the third time, and he calmed down again as if his voice had never been raised. “You think my room is the only place in this apartment with cameras? I see what you do to it in the night, sticking your dick in its mouth. It’s horrible. Do you want to do that to me?”

Mac said nothing. Dennis could see in his eyes that he knew he was defeated, and fearful of what else he had to say.

“Well guess what?” Dennis added. “You’d have to kill me before you do anything of that kind to me.” He smiled a little bit. “You disgust me, Mac, and I hate you.”

Nothing scared Mac more than the complete calmness of that last sentence, and he looked at Dennis to see him staring directly into his eyes, sensing the undeniable conviction in what he had just said.

“I took that doll last night, while you were sleeping.” Dennis seemed somewhat proud of himself. “I was thinking I’d just hide it and enjoy you desperately trying to find it, but I’ll just destroy it now, that would be for the best.”

“Dennis, no, please! I need it, and that doll cost me so much money!” Mac pleaded.

“Shut up! I don’t care.” Dennis snapped. He made for the front door of the apartment. “I’ll be back later, don’t you dare follow me.” He left without another word, and Mac could do nothing but hang his mouth open in disbelief. Part of him wanted to follow Dennis, but he realised now that perhaps it truly was never gonna happen.

 

***

 

“Holy shit dude.” Charlie said in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Frank added, “I can’t believe it took all that to get the message across. It would be really bad if you two got together.”

“Because I’m not gay.” Dennis was glad he was able to talk to Charlie about all of this. He didn’t really want to see Frank, but the two of them were inseparable. The three of them had gathered down in Paddy’s Pub to talk it out, after all, it was a better environment at least that the dump that Frank and Charlie called their apartment. They had gathered around the bar, each with a beer in hand.

“Well, yeah.” Charlie didn’t seem to expect Dennis’ response. “But mostly because, like, it would totally mess up our group dynamic, man.”

“Think of how awkward it would be if you two were gay for each other, and then you broke up.” Frank argued.

“The Gang would never be the same again.” Charlie said rather passionately.

Dennis wasn’t really surprised that Frank and Charlie’s reasoning for their support didn’t align with his own, but he still preferred hearing that nonsense than putting up with Mac.

“Anyway, I’m here to get Mac’s weird creepy sex doll. I hid from him it in the vents." Dennis explained.

Charlie looked at him in shock. “Oh, shit. That was you? I thought Mac just liked doing stuff to it up there. I mean, I would’ve done some myself, but I’m totally over it now, it’s kinda freaky.”

Dennis looked at Charlie in a disapproving way. “I’m not even going to ask what you were doing up in the vents.” He drank a little bit of beer before continuing. “What I was thinking was that I’d take it out the back and burn it. If you want, you two could join me.”

“I would like to see what would happen to it when it burns.” Charlie replied, now looking lost in thought.

“I do wanna see that, I’ll go get a dumpster and some kindling or something.” Frank said excitedly.

Dennis smiled. A little bit of company couldn’t hurt. “And I guess I’ll go get that doll.”

 

***

 

Perhaps the only thing that disgusted Dennis more than the cold, dark, cramped vents was the lifeless piece of plastic that seemed to stare back at him with its unblinking eyes. Everything about it made him shudder a little, from the smell (it certainly smelled like Mac had done things to it), even to the thought that Mac liked this, and that he wanted this. Dennis wondered if this was what he was to Mac, something he could shove his dick into? He couldn’t stand the thought any long and begrudgingly climbed out of the vent, dragging the doll behind him.

As Dennis headed out of the bar and into the back alley, he saw Frank and Charlie pulling a dumpster out from against a wall. It was mostly empty save for a few bags of trash, and it smelled of dead animals. With a look of disgust, he threw the doll inside of it, not looking to see it hit the bottom. Frank pulled a lighter out and looked to Charlie meaningfully.

“We just agreed that we’re gonna say a few words for the doll.” Charlie said.

“Why?” Dennis looked at them in disbelief. “What’s even the point in that?”

“Well, we’ve all had experiences with this doll, so it would be kind of wrong not to send it off properly.” Frank reasoned. It was not a very good reasoning, but Dennis did not stop him from opening the lighter and handing it to Charlie.

Charlie took a deep breath. “You didn’t really have a name but I liked to call you Dennis doll. You were pretty good. You were worth the stupid price Mac paid for it, because you did your weird doll magic and brought Dennis back, so thanks for that. But now that Dennis is back, I guess we don’t really need you anymore, so have a good time in doll heaven. I’ll kinda miss you.”

Dennis didn’t know whether to be flattered or mildly frustrated, and only watched as Frank took the lighter back.

“Dennis doll, as Charlie calls you, I didn’t know you that well, but that orgy we had one time was great. Also, I liked the noise your ass made when I blew into it. It was all pretty good, not gonna lie, but all good things must come to an end, so this is goodbye.”

There was a strange silence for a while as nobody really knew what to say. Frank, Charlie and Dennis all looked at the dolls, which stared until into the night sky, mouth open as always.

“Do you wanna say something, Dennis?” Frank held out the lighter towards him.

Dennis paused for a moment and looked at it. “Oh, what the hell?” Dennis sighed and slowly took it out of his hand. “Dennis doll, I really hate you. I hate that you exist, and the fact that you’re even here reminds me how much I hate Mac. You’re not even that good of a doll because if you were supposed to be me you would be incredibly handsome, which you are not. I hope that by finally destroying you right here, I can be happier. Die, bitch.” Dennis held the lighter over the dumpster without looking inside and dropped it, landing squarely on the doll’s chest.

“Is it burning?” Charlie asked.

Frank peered inside. “It looks like it might catch.”

Dennis also reluctantly looked inside. He hated seeing that doll, so he smiled when it did indeed catch the fire.

“Goodbye, Dennis doll. Some of us will kinda miss you.” Charlie said solemnly as he looked in the dumpster himself. The three of them watched in silence for a while as the doll slowly became engulfed in flames, and after what seemed to be all night, it was reduced to nearly nothing. But for the whole time, Dennis smiled. Maybe now he could finally be free of Mac.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy crap, after throwing the idea of this fic around for months on end I finally have something to show for it. All I want to show is that maybe the Mac/Dennis ship isn't as plausible as everyone seems to think it is, but this isn't a jab at the concept, just more about how I personally would look it at the whole idea.
> 
> I've written a lot in the past but never actually published anything so I hope you enjoy whatever this thing is, I guess. I certainly enjoyed writing it. :)


End file.
